John Mulaney Chase Through the Subway song lyrics

I've lived in New York City now for a few years

And I have a new phenomenon in my life Where late at night on the street,

A womon will see me as a threat.

That is funny ya, hahaha that is silly

Its weird too because like,

I'm still afraid of being kidnapped.

But I'll give you the best example of this,

A couple of months ago I was at a subway station,

At 2 o'clock in the morning, alright?

and I'm changing between trains.

2 o'clock in the morning and at this subway station

You have to like walk down this long hall way in order to change trains.

So it's 2 o'clock in the morning

An its just me and this woman.

And were walking down the hallway,

she's walking a few yards ahead of me,

But she keeps giving me Like

the over the shoulder

like that you know.

And then, she starts to pick up the pace,

Like she starts to walk ALOT faster.

So I think "oh she must hear the train coming"

Or maybe she feels it in her feet like a Native American in a movie.

So I start to sprint down the hallway

at her

And she looks back and she's like "AHHHHHH"

And then she gives chace so now

we're booking it down the corridor

at 2 o'clock in the morning & I'm gaining on her!

Im gaining on her, and were getting to the end of the hallway,

And she starts to go into that like deadend shuffle

You know that women do when you chase'm.

And im almost there,

I'm almost at her and it dawns on me

"Oh she's running from me"

Because in her eyes I'm an adult

And adults rape each other

Kind of allot

So I wanted to go up to her and be like

"heeyyy nnooo,

Nahhh I'm not like a I'm not like a rrr like a rrr and im rrrr I'm not a man.

I'm just some stupid punk you know"

But I thank that, that would be equally creepy.

Ok, as if you ran into a subway station at 2 in the morning and I chased you down

Grabbed you and sayed "I'm not going to rape you I'm a little boy."

I've always been to interested in crime news and stuff like that

Like cold case files and that kind of thing

I love reading crime news in general

I like uhh the local paper in a city

Because they always have good crime coverage

And it's funny to me when the local paper will try and make someone sound prettier after their murdered

Like you'll walk by the news stand

and you'll see the headline

"Beauty Slain" and then you'll look at the photo and your like ummm...

How bout body found.

My new favorite term in uh crime reporting is someone is a person of interest

That means someone is like an unofficial suspect in a case

Which I think is a pretty good term

But to me Person of Interest to me almost sounds too flattering

Like if I was in my apartment and the police pounded on my door

And we're like A man was murdered in your lobby last night

And you are a person of interest

I would be like "Muah" oh do go on.

Fresh.