Frank Sinatra Comedy Sketch: The Battle of the Century song lyrics

Bob: Now for all you men in the armed forces who happen to be 13 year old girls.

We bring you your 1 & only favorite the 1st atom ever split; Frank Sinatra! Lie down anywhere.

Frank: Thank you that was a very peachy introduction dad! So only 13 year old girls like me hm?

Bob: That's what I hear.

Frank: All that stuff about 13 year olds & me, is just plain propaganda; I know 1 beautiful movie star who goes for me & she isn't 13 either!

Bob: Really? I didn't know Lassie cared!

Frank: WELL SHE DOES!

Bob: (laughs) Yea come to think of it Frank, why shouldn't Lassie love you, that's a great thrill for a dog, hearing a pile of bones sing.

Frank: Been talking to Crosby lately, boy?

Bob: You can't miss him, after all Frankie, the guy works at the same studio with me, I gotta talk to him sometime you see he has the key to the wash room.

Frank: I thought Crosby was behind this. Why does he insult me that way!? Why I wouldn't hurt a fly!

Bob: Not even if you sat on 1.

Bob: Hey Bing! Bing! Step over here will yah.

Bing: What are you 2 guys cooking up? If I didn't know it was me?

Bob: Well Bing the time has come to stop these silly arguments between you & Sinatra. So we are gonna let you both insult each other 1 last time. Are you ready to rip in to him boy?

Bing: I'm happy to begin.

Bob: Good we will get started. Ladies & Gentlemen we now present the battle of the century, a fight to the finish between No Hair {Bing} & No Anything {Frank}. In this corner dynamic Frank Sinatra weight 175½ oz. & over here Boozing Bing Crosby right in the pink of young Lar hood! OK! (Rings bell) come out swinging. You're 1st Sinatra call Crosby something.

Frank: Well... uh... uh...

Bob: COME ON! CALL HIM SOMETHING!

Frank: Well, geez there's so much to choose from! Can I call him anything?

Bob: Sure anything!

Frank: Anything at all?

Bob: Sure call him the worst thing you can think of!

Frank: OK! Bing… You're uh… you're uh… YOU'RE A BOB HOPE!

Bing: OH, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TOP THAT! NEVER IN THE WORLD!

Bob: This is a fine fight; everybody hits the referee here tonight. OK wide drawers, it's your turn It's your turn to insult bull. OK.

Bing: Well let's see now, uh I wanna come up with one that'll live for years even if the recipient wont. Hm… I think I have it…

Bob: Alright let it go.

Bing: Sinatra… You're sir are so completely emaciated you can stroll through an olive without disturbing the pimento!

Bob: End of round 1. Round 2 coming up. You take it 1st cabbage head.

Bing & Frank: OK, Here I go!

Bing: Oh I'm sorry pardon me after you sir.

Frank: Oh no, no I think he meant you sir.

Bing: Well who did you mean Hope?

Bob: Oh, I think I should have been more specific, I meant the cabbage head with the hair.

Frank: See I told you he meant me!

Bing: I should have known; you've got the right complexion for it too.

Bob: Don't just stand there Frank you won't let him get away with letting him call you name aren't you?

Frank: YOU BET YOUR LIFE IM NOT!

Bob: WELL GO AHEAD & ANSWER HIM BACK!

Frank: YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I WILL! HEY, STICKS & STONES CAN BREAK MY BONES & SO CAN SOFT BOILED EGGS!

Bob: Well that ends it folks that was the performances between 2 great singers… Too Little {Frank} & Too Late {Bing} OK, boys the insults are over, this is Christmas you both are coming to my party, later on, come over here & shake hands.